Fruity Bits
by Sailor Panda
Summary: A string of unrelated Fruits Basket drabbles and ficlets. Various pairings, ratings, possible canon abuse, etc. newest post: XANADU LOST ShigureRinHaru reflect on the past, present and future.
1. Unspoken Words

UNSPOKEN WORDS  
  
rating: G  
  
genre: general  
  
pairing: none  
  
summary: Words go unspoken as one thinks of feelings held dear for someone else. But just who is it that's thinking?  
  
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To others, you may appear to be plain, but to me, you are a beautiful goddess among women. It's the fault of others that they're unable to see your worth, blinded as they are with the idea that anything without a remarkable appearance isn't worth taking a closer look at.  
  
But their opinions aren't mine, and I find in you an amazing miracle, a priceless gem hidden by a simple façade.  
  
For all you have done for me, for my family, I hold you in the highest esteem. And I pray that the heavens will gift you with the rewards you deserve, although I know that you think you don't warrant it.  
  
But I do, and I know that there are others whose lives you've touched that think so too.  
  
It's those others that make me both happy and sad.  
  
Happy...because it shows there are more people who see how special you are, who open up to the possibilities you bring into their lives. I see how more and more people flock to you, drawn by your kindness, and it makes me happy to know that there are more people made cheerful by the warm light of your presence, people who are aware of the gift you're giving them and are grateful by it.  
  
To be surrounded by other kind people who try to give back some of what you've given them rather than taking advantage of your sweetness. That's what you deserve and I feel content with the knowledge that there are others besides me who have your welfare in mind.  
  
But there are two sides to every coin and the happiness I feel is also mirrored by sadness.  
  
Sad...because it means there are that many people who capture your attention, stealing it away little by little. And sometimes I worry that there will be a day when you won't have time for me.  
  
Sad...and a little envious that most of your new gatherers are men older than I and have a much better chance of offering you the protection you need and that I am unable to provide. It's a bittersweet emotion to know that one day, one of those men will declare themselves and do all they can to offer you the life you deserve.  
  
But more than any envy I may feel is my own desire to see you content and safe. To see you happy is all I could ever wish after you have done so much for me. You who have granted my deepest wish and restored full happiness to my own life.  
  
Thank you for being my friend, for ignoring the odd looks garnered when you're with me.  
  
Thank you for bringing happiness to my family once more.  
  
Thank you for restoring my sister's smile.  
  
Thank you for being you.  
  
May I one day be able to grant your wishes as you have granted mine.  
  
Thank you.  
  
Boku no hatsukoi.  
  
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owari   
  
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AN: "Boku no hatsukoi" means "My first love" in Japanese.  
  
A slightly re-edited re-post, a cross between thinking about childhood crushes and feeling that Megumi wasn't getting enough attention. And I thought it possible that Megumi could have had a tiny crush on Tohru, and that's where this little one-shot drabble came from.  
  
It could happen, right? 


	2. A Winter's Musings

A WINTER'S MUSINGS  
  
rating: PG  
  
genre: angst  
  
pairing: none  
  
summary: Winter snow brings reflective musings from one particular rabbit.  
  
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Cold.  
  
Frozen water falls from the sky.  
  
Snow.  
  
A streak of movement.  
  
I turn to look and the movement stills, allowing me to catch a glimpse of the rabbit staring back at me with frozen attention in those large dark eyes before it's off and streaking once more, far away from me.  
  
There were two and now there is only one.  
  
One rabbit left alone in the snow.  
  
I hope that one has somewhere to go because, from the barrenness around me, I doubt there's much to forage for here. And for a rabbit to be without a warm place to call home is very, very sad.  
  
I look up.  
  
A gray carpet stretches on endlessly overhead.  
  
Scraggly bare branches beseech upwards, skeletal things that seem to be clawing at that gloomy blanket up above as if trying to rip it away and let the warmth of the sun fall to the earth. But, of course, it's a never ending cycle that won't succeed for no matter how hard the branches try, they will never piece through that thick layer of cloudy darkness that keeps the sun away.  
  
The wind whistles.  
  
Feathery plumes formed with every breath I take undulate in the air, rising higher and higher before they're lost from sight, dissipated.  
  
Chilly winds streak across my cheeks.  
  
So very cold.  
  
Still I stand, bearing the punishing elements of winter that blow against me and even the tree I lean against offers little in the way of shelter, stripped bare of foliage as it is. I could move somewhere else, but that wouldn't do much either for all the other trees in the forest have the same fate, to be stripped of their leafy protection as cold slows the movement of sap within those wooden trunks, slowing their life.  
  
Everything is just so bare.  
  
Snow blankets everything, covering all in pristine and untouched whiteness so smooth that it appears inviting, begging for touch.  
  
But it's a lie.  
  
To touch is to be met with a cold wetness that drives warmth away, the reality hardly inviting at all. I know this so I refuse to touch, retaining what little warmth I have, curling mitten covered hands within the deep pockets of my coat as I stand and look out at the white winter that surrounds me with its pale cold beauty.  
  
There's nothing in my view but snow and bare trees.  
  
It's so very lonely.  
  
But I stand and bear it for loneliness is not new to me. Always, always it's haunted my life. Just when I think I might have overcome it, one day it comes back, like the cold winters that always come no matter how hot a summer was had.  
  
I shiver and think that this is the coldest winter ever.  
  
But I know, it's probably not.  
  
Being alone always makes my thoughts bleaker. I wish it didn't for I don't like to be this way, to carry something so dark within me, but it's not something that I see being fixed anytime soon. I'll just have to deal with it and hope that there will be a day that it can be fixed - a day when I can be fixed.  
  
Feeling broken is a painful experience.  
  
And sometimes I feel selfish because there are moments when I believe I cling to it too much, as if wallowing in it for some strange reason that I can't name. During such moments, I think I shouldn't keep these emotions so close to myself because I know, deep down, that I'm not the only one who has them.  
  
But they don't say anything to me.  
  
Maybe I'm not the only selfish one.  
  
It's cold comfort and such comfort, if it can be called that, is no comfort at all.  
  
No.  
  
No comfort at all.  
  
Cold winds blow and still I stand. But fighting off the chills is impossible as the punishing freezing winds continue to blow against me, driving tiny pellets of snow against me, coating me with a wintriness that makes me colder than I already am.  
  
And still I stand. I stand and will continue to stand.  
  
Why?  
  
Why do I stand in the cold?  
  
It's because I have nowhere else to go.  
  
And here is a place I'd rather be than the place that I'm supposed to call home. Sometimes it does feel like home but only half of one. How could it not? I don't think that a home can truly feel like what it's supposed to be when half of what should be my family doesn't even remember who I really am.  
  
It's okay. It's enough as long as I can still see them.  
  
That's what I tell myself.  
  
There are times when I even believe it.  
  
This isn't one of them.  
  
With winter's killing frost all around me, life-giving plants made bare, colorless whiteness enveloping everything as far as the eye can see, it's hard to believe much of anything. The bleakness of winter is catching and even I'm not immune to this particular sickness.  
  
Yes, I'm sick.  
  
One hand reaches to touch the spot above my heart and I can feel an ache, an emptiness that lies below.  
  
I don't feel very well.  
  
I really don't like feeling this way. I want to get better, to fill that emptiness yawning within me, to be whole. It's selfish, I know, but it's okay to be selfish sometimes, isn't it?  
  
Isn't it?  
  
I can't see how wanting to be loved is bad. To have loneliness chased away, to be cared about, to happy and, if possible, to be able to make someone else happy and smile as well – how can that be bad?  
  
In the bleakness of a frozen winter, I want to be loved.  
  
But I want to give love as well, to have it received by the one who loves me, knows me, and likes me for who I am.  
  
Is that so much to ask?  
  
It seems so as the prolonged exposure to cold drags my thoughts down as, I'm sure, it would do to anyone who was faced with the same freezing circumstances. It's all I can do to remain standing as upright as I can, facing off against the elements as winds continue to blow, snow continues to fall, and I continue to shiver against the chill that seems to have no end in the silence of the barren woods.  
  
"Momiji-kun!"  
  
I turn and stare, watching as the warmly bundled figure comes closer, moving as rapidly as the snow covered ground allows, wispy plumes winding through the air with each huff of panting breath. The sparkling bright- eyed face returning my gaze is red and must be as cold as my own and yet those features are still happily smiling as if unaffected by the biting bitterness of the cold that pelts at us both.  
  
And, gazing at those brightly shining features, I can't prevent the smile breaking across my own face as my gloomy thoughts are chased away, dissipating like the feathery plumes of our breaths in the air.  
  
I'm no longer alone.  
  
"I'm sorry I'm late," she apologizes breathlessly. "I didn't think I'd take so long."  
  
"That's okay," I say cheerfully as I take her hand, pleased that she lets me as she always does. "I'm just happy you finally showed up."  
  
"Well, of course I did. I promised, didn't I?"  
  
"You sure did." I cast her a sidelong glance as we begin to walk. "Now, what should we do on Momiji-and-Tohru's-fun-snowy-winter-date?"  
  
She laughs at the name I gave it. "I don't know. Where do you want to go?"  
  
"Someplace warm," I say, smiling at her.  
  
"Then how about some hot chocolate? I heard about a new café that's supposed to have some delicious hot chocolate."  
  
"A warm building and hot drinks – sounds great!" I exclaim excitedly. "It'll be a wonderful chance to get warm again."  
  
She casts me a searching glance. "Were you waiting long?"  
  
Seeing the concern and caring in her wide eyes as she gazes at me, trying to estimate just how much effect the cold wintry weather has had on me, the bleakness around me doesn't seem as important anymore, not when I have the comforting weight of her hand in my own. I no longer feel quite so broken anymore and I'm thankful she's in my life, filling it with her warmth. And I hope that one day I'll be able to express to her just how it is I feel about her and all she's done for me, for I doubt she realizes how she's touched my life. But, for now, I simply shake my head as we walk on through the winter snow, journeying towards the warm place that awaits us.  
  
"No," I tell her, smiling. "Not long at all."  
  
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owari 


	3. Xanadu Lost

XANADU LOST  
  
rating: PG-13  
  
genre: angst / romance  
  
pairing: Shigure / Rin / Haru  
  
summary: Reflections of past, present, and future told from three perspectives.  
  
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Souma Rin, that's who I am now, who I've always been.  
  
And yet, I am not the same Souma Rin that I used to be.  
  
I feel it even more on spring nights like this as I lay awake staring into the dark, entwined with my husband in the bed that we've shared ever since we walked down that aisle on our wedding day, such a short time ago and yet seems so long in my mind. It was on that day when I married him, the man bearing the same surname as my own, and switched the origins and ownership of who first held that last name though the spelling and pronunciation of it did not change. It was supposed to be the happiest of days for a couple and it was what I pretended to be because, if I pretended hard enough, I hoped that it would make it true.  
  
But it didn't.  
  
How could I know then that it would seem like such a mistake now, now when it's much too late to do anything, impossible to turn back time and put things to rights. Marriage in the Souma family is permanent and, once done, there's no backing out of it, no way to be free of it until the moment of death.  
  
No, the world I live in is not a happy place for me but I know that it's my fault that it isn't because, if I had chosen differently, I could have had my Xanadu, that beautiful idyllic place described in books that I used to talk and dream privately about with him, the one I truly love, the one who isn't by my side.  
  
That dream is lost to me now; I have only reality.  
  
It was never more real, the choice that I had made, than on my wedding day when I looked up suddenly, my new husband by my side, and gazed across the distance separating us to see such pain in the eyes of the one I had betrayed. He concealed it well from everyone else but I knew him best, knew what signs to look for that indicated the pain I had caused him by choosing someone other than him.  
  
Even harder, knowing it was too late for us, I pretended I was ecstatically happy because, though I know it pained him, in the long run it was for the best because he would have wished me to be happy despite everything. It was better for him to believe that I was because then he could move on and, though the thought rips me up inside to think of it, find someone who would make him truly happy in a way that he deserves, in a way that I could no longer do if there had ever been a time when I had really accomplished that.  
  
But it's not just thoughts of my lost beloved one that pains me because he's not the only man I've wronged. Even worse, I feel I'm also betraying my husband who, at one time, I thought I was in love with. I later realized that I wasn't but, whether I'm in love with him or not, he's the one I married.  
  
When I think of another man while I lie beside my husband, is that cheating?  
  
I've never pretended to be a good girl and, God knows, I have my share of sins but I try not to compound them with infidelity, although I'm not sure how successful I am at avoiding it. Although I may not betray my wedding vows by being physically unfaithful, I'm ashamed to admit that there are times when my husband touches me, caresses me, makes love to me in a way that conveys the deep emotions he has towards me, and my mind wanders terribly and pretends that he is someone else.  
  
I think he knows it, too.  
  
He's much more intelligent and intuitive than some people give him credit for, much like my beloved one in a way and perhaps that similarity between them is why I once thought I loved him. But he's never said anything to indicate he knows that my mind and heart aren't always with him, even in bed at those most intimate of times.  
  
Still, call it woman's intuition or what you will, I think he knows and his silence on the subject only makes me feel guiltier for how I've treated him.  
  
Lying in the bed I've made, I hate it, knowing there are three people in it even if one of them is physically absent. But to preserve the sham of happiness that I took the first steps to build, I pretend because there is nothing left for me to do and maybe, just maybe, if I try hard enough, it will be true someday.  
  
As if sensing my mental turmoil, my husband shifts, clutching me closer and pulling my body flush against his as he mutters sleepily, "Rin, can't you sleep?"  
  
"I will soon," I reply as reassuringly as I can. "I'm just not very tired."  
  
"Well, then," he says huskily. "Maybe I can make you tired."  
  
He shifts, moving over me until his face comes into my view as he looks down at me. Lifting up a hand, I cup his profile, watching moonlight glinting off the gold band on my finger and think with a touch of bittersweet sadness, as I always do, that he's very handsome and that there are many other women out there who would be extremely jealous of my position.  
  
It's funny how so many people I come across believe I'm lucky in love, if only they knew the truth of the matter.  
  
But I smile softly, hoping to forget just a little, and pull him closer to me.  
  
"Maybe you can."  
  
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I wish Rin were here.  
  
That's nothing new since I've had the thought many times since she left me, even after I watched her marry another man, my cousin. I suppose it's not surprising that he fell for her; it must be in the blood after all.  
  
Still, I remember feeling so betrayed when I first found out about them. Rage, jealousy, despair, and even self-loathing had all boiled within me until it could no longer be contained and I went berserk until Yuki and the others somehow managed to stop my full out Black Haru rampage before anyone was seriously hurt. I caused a lot of trouble and perhaps I had no right such feelings since Rin and I had broken up long before that but emotions aren't always reasonable and I'd always believed that we would eventually get back together.  
  
But we didn't.  
  
Now, she's married to him, forever out of my reach, and she seems happy in a way that makes me ache at not being the one she smiles at any longer.  
  
However, despite my regret over losing her, over never being able to kiss or embrace her in my arms again as I once had, I hope that she is truly happy because she deserves it perhaps even more than she thinks she does. Aside from the blinding pain she caused me when she left me for good, she'd done more for me during the time we spent together than I could ever say or repay. Ever since we were young, she supported me, was always there watching out for me, guiding me, wonderful memories they are that I wouldn't give up even though they're now shaded with a nostalgic sadness.  
  
There are times I wonder if I took it for granted that she would always be there and if that was why she'd left me. Maybe, if I had figured it out sooner, I could have done something to stop it, stop her from falling in love with someone else, from marrying someone else. It wouldn't be the first instance for me to realize something too late, the curse of the cow hanging over me even during the most important of times with its inherent slowness.  
  
Still, even knowing that she's in love with someone else, belongs to someone else, I wish she were here.  
  
She always made sense of my life for me whenever it got confusing for me to puzzle through, just like it's been ever since we separated.  
  
I wish I could go to her, ask for her advice, but she's with someone else now and it's wrong of me to depend on her so much and intrude on her life now when I no longer have a place in it. I need to start doing more for myself, I know, just as she'd tell me to, just as she's always told me to.  
  
And I will, but not now, now when the pain is still too fresh.  
  
Maybe one day when it's faded a bit more, when I can think of her and not have my heart clench so painfully tight, maybe then I'll truly be ready to stand strong on my own and take the step forward to really moving on. When that day comes, if it comes, then I can try searching once more for another Xanadu, a different one for there could never be another like her.  
  
But, for now, I can only think of the one I lost.  
  
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She doesn't love me.  
  
As she finally lies asleep beside me, the warmth of her body cradled by mine, I know this very well. But to have her here by my side, no matter what the circumstances are, is enough for me, at least for the moment. After all, I haven't come this far, waited so patiently, to relinquish what I've gone through such lengths to acquire.  
  
I'm sure there are many who paint me as the villain in light of past events but I don't care; I never was one to concern myself overmuch with other people's opinions, good or bad. They can take their beliefs and do whatever they want with them, label me with all the names they want; maybe they think calling me a dog is insulting but I can only laugh because I've never shied away from the truth no matter how dirty it may seem to the high- minded idealists of the world.  
  
Morals, codes of honor, those are for fools who let what they want slip through their fingers and I've never had any desire to play the fool unless it suited my purposes as it sometimes does. In certain situations, after all, anything goes since the most important thing is coming out the winner in the long run.  
  
In the world of adults, time, patience, and skillful plotting, that's all it takes.  
  
Happiness doesn't come to anyone by just waiting and hoping for the best and I've always been doing something to get me closer to my goal, my dream, my slice of paradise. A smart person, after all, knows that the best way of doing things is to do them without other people's awareness and let them think that it was all their idea.  
  
If only Rin knew the truth of it all, then maybe she wouldn't feel so guilty.  
  
She thinks she's so good at hiding her feelings and she is.  
  
But I'm much better. After all, I've had more experience with wearing masks and seeing through them. She's smart though and I have the feeling that, as she gets older and gains more experience in the ways of the world, she'll eventually look back and uncover the things I've done to bring us to this point.  
  
However, that's still a ways off and, by that time, she might not even care so much about it anymore.  
  
This is one ongoing game that I have no intentions of losing.  
  
Marriage, a recitation of vows, doesn't resolve anything and I'm not done plotting just yet. Some may think I've won, but I know the truth is that I haven't because she's still in love with him no matter how hard she tries to conceal it. And while that feeling is there, a feeling I know is still reciprocated by him, there's still the danger that she'll one day have a change of heart and decide to walk away from me and go to him.  
  
It bothers me. I'd be lying if I said it didn't and I make it a point not to lie to myself even if I do to others.  
  
But I'll deal with it. There's no rest for the wicked and I'll keep at it until her heart is in my hands, just as mine is in hers. We're wedded, after all, and she has nowhere else to go for wedding vows in the Souma family bind tight; time is on my side and I have every intention of using it wisely.  
  
She doesn't love me.  
  
But she will.  
  
Paradise, Eden, Xanadu, whatever people call it, it's something only achieved by going after it.  
  
And I will.  
  
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owari 


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